The Arkansas Polio Weed Massacre!

I have been getting a lot of emails asking just where I have been for the last four years. Many rumors have been floating around. “Shawnster ran off with a Mexican stripper and moved to South Texas!” There might be some truth to that rumor if it was the summer of 2016. “Shawnster locked himself up in his make shift theater room in his old twelve foot 1956 Shasta trailer watching White Lightening over and over trying to figure out what makes Burt Reynolds the greatest southern of all-time!” There might be some truth to that rumor if it was the summer of 2017.  I am here to tell the truth and nothing but the truth. All you drive inn movie freaks deserve the truth. The truth is my cousin Doyle Bodine was involved in the Arkansas Polio Weed Massacre. See, what happen was Doyle got involved with a bunch of hippies. They were traveling to Little Rock, Arkansas to protest Arkansas State Senator (pronounce sin-actor) Jason Rapert playing his fiddle singing a song about wanting to destroy all the Arkansas Polio Weed. Those hippies were also angry about the ninty members of the Duggar clan singing backup. Doyle and the hippies left in three old VW vans from Pansy, Arkansas. They stopped over in Jefferson, Arkansas to see this guy they called “Sunshine,” to pick up some Arkansas Polio Weed. They drove up to Sunshine’s house and that is when it all went to hell. Sunshine was tripping on some Arkansas River Catfish Whiskers. He came out with a semi-automatic flamethrower  and started to to bbq all the hippies in the vans. All the vans blew up but somehow unfortunately Doyle survived but he looked like a deep fried Twinkie. He was in the hospital for several months. To cheer up Doyle, I have been watching drive inn flicks with him for the last few years. We went through several VCRs and several thousand cases of Lone Star Beer.  Last week in a twist of fate, Doyle started dating this ol’ gal from the Dollar Hut. He didn’t treat her too well and this ol’boy with half his brain removed after running his car under a tractor trailer split his head in two with some jumper cables with a lawn mower blade in it. The funeral was on Friday. It was an open casket funeral held in an old abandoned Tyson Chicken House. One part of his head was placed in his hands. It was a nice touch. I put a VHS copy of Gator in his casket. The casket with Doyle in it is out behind the old car wash in Woodlawn. He didn’t have a burial plot and nobody knows what to do with him. It was 96 degrees yesterday and you can smell Doyle from three miles away. He didn’t smell great to begin with.

With all that said, my ten  year old side kick and my offspring Fisher has decided we are going to watch the 1962 drive inn classic Carnival of Souls. We will have a full report on it next week. He is committed to the drive inn.  I am back to save the drive inn and everything truly disgusting so you degenerates can have classic drive inn movies like The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (the only real Saw!), The Evil Dead and White Lightening.  If I don’t, the Thought Patrol loonies will make us all watch Veggie Tales every day.